Tide Pods: Yummy Candy or Illegal Nonsense? Dummy-Ass American lawmakers to Decide

Lawmakers are concerned with the delicious-looking features of Tide’s most popular laundry detergent; Tide Pods. The concern about the candy-like soap started to grow in late 2017 when teenagers started a fad called “The Tide Pod Challenge”, where, amazingly enough, the challenge is eating the pods.

The lawmakers’ claim is that their main concern for urging the company to change the look of the pod is safety. They want Tide to individually wrap each pod. That’s probably not a good idea, because candy also comes individually wrapped. Don’t trust me? Go to your local super market candy aisle and see for yourself. You know what you won’t see in that aisle? Tide Pods. Those are in the detergent aisle.

They also want them change the pods so they look “less like gummy bears.” I understand why they want to make this change, as the resemblance is uncanny. This is bad news for Tide. Later this year, they were to release a new product: Tide Gummy Bears. They’re gummy bears that melt into soap and wash your clothes in the most adorably possible fashion. They would have, anyway, had the tragedy of the Tide Pod Challenge not happened. Now I’ll never know the joy of wearing clothes washed by dozens of tiny, colorful bears.

Though I don’t use Tide (even though I do, in fact, clean clothes from time to time), the “pods” that I do use are both visually aesthetic, and they come in a childproof bag, that even my husband can’t get open (or so he says when laundry day comes around). In our lazy society, it’s probable that if Tide starts individually wrapping each pod, people will stop buying them all together. Trust me, no one wants to spare the extra two seconds it would take to open the container, and then rip open a package.

As far as putting a safety message on the container, as well as on the individual packages, that most likely will be redundant. Cigarette boxes warn you that if you use their product, you may get cancer, and people still eat cigarettes, right?

There was another challenge a few years ago that involved boiling diet coke until it turned into black tar, and then eating it. I can assure you it didn’t look good, and it smelled even worse. I know teenagers who attempted that challenge; some more than once. Perhaps diet coke should change its label to look less appealing, or maybe they should add a “Do Not Boil Before Ingesting” warning.

The problem here isn’t little children with shitty parents getting hold of this product. It’s teenagers who know better. They’re going to do stupid shit regardless of the safety measures put in place to avoid such mischief. I feel like if at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen years old, you put laundry soap in your mouth, you should deal with the consequences.

There’s only one solution as far as I can see: flavoring the Tide Pods to made them more appealing to eat. Why not steer into this thing instead of avoiding it outright? Can you imagine how good a grape flavored Tide Pod would taste, swishing in your mouth, spewing grape-colored suds from your mouth once the wrapping dissolves.

In all seriousness, Tide shouldn’t have to suffer because of the dumbness spreading through millennials like the plague.

Let’s all take a page from Darwin, and let the problem of Tide Pods consumption “take care of itself.”


I would like to thank Budgie Bigelow (budgiebigelow.com) for his advisory on this post.



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