I wanted to do something interesting on the anniversary of my birth, as far as blogs go. A change of pace from cesspool of overly opinionated word-vomit I’ve been spewing lately. My good friend, writing mentor, and fellow LGBT+ author agreed to help me out. He agreed to give me 31 questions(yesterday was my 31st birthday) if I did two things: Credited him for those questions, and didn’t question them. Budgie Bigelow(budgiebigelow.com – check him out!) is a character. I have to say, some of his questions made me laugh out loud, but I promised I’d answer them honestly.
Q & A with KJ and Budgie
Questions by: Budgie Bigelow Answers by: KJ Marshall
1.What color is your underwear?
First of all Budgie, if you weren’t gay, I could report you for sexual harassment for this. Kidding!! I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Okay. Spiderman.
2. Which TV show character would you make out with?
Clinger, from MASH.
3. Which kind of animal would you hoard if you were a hoarder?
Monkeys. I love monkeys, and you can train them to do cool shit, like throw poop at people you don’t want in your house.
4. Would you drink a cup of a hobo’s blood to have your debt wiped away?
No, because I’d wipe away my debt, then re-earn it with all the inevitable medical bills I’d encounter and medicine I’d have to take for the rest of my life.
5. What super power would you give a midget?
What if he could clone himself so he could stand on his own shoulders to reach the top shelf?
6. Which celebrity would you allow to bang your mom?
This is a tougher one than I thought it would be. It’s a toss up between Billy Bob Thornton as “SlingBlade” and Danny DeVito as “Penguin”.
7. Which Celebrity’s mom would you like to bang?
No habla englais.
8. If you ate a gem, would you dig it out of the toilet after your morning coffee the next day?
Absolutely not. No way in hell. Unless it didn’t go down when I flushed. Then, yes. I don’t know though, Budgie. What kind of gem are we talking about, here?
9. Assuming we live in a post-apocalyptic world where money no longer has any value whatsoever, what would you do for a Klondike bar?
If that were the scenario, what WOULDN’T I do for a Klondike Bar? Girl’s gotta eat.
10. Have you ever fed a pet a booger?
Not intentionally, but there was that one time I had a cold and my dog licked my face at the wrong time. She wasn’t mad, either.
11. Which character from the 1998 blockbuster hit “Armaggeddon” do you most identify with and why?
I was 11 when “Armageddon” came out. The only character I even remember is Vin Diesel…or was it Jason Statham?
12. What’s your favorite Harry Potter book to spank naughty nuns with?
On the super not rare occasion that I come across a naughty nun, I prefer to use “Prince of Azkaban”.
13. What, in your opinion, is the best way to embarrass a dog when company is over?
I like to eat a bowl of cat turds when there’s company, just like she likes to raid the effing litter box as though we don’t feed her. SEE HOW IT FEELS, MAX?! Sorry. You got me heated with that one.
14. Would you beat up a nerd to earn street cred with a sexy bully’s gang?
I don’t think bullies are sexy. I’d take one for the team – Make out with the nerd and let us both get beat up. That way he or she doesn’t feel so alone in the world.
15. If you had to turn one household appliance into a sex robot, which would you choose and why?
The vacuum cleaner. Why? Because I literally could not think of an answer to this one. Also because – suction. Kidding. I don’t know, though. You caused me to sit here, though, and think of every household appliance I own…wondering which would be a good sex robot. Thanks for that.
16. Do platypuses lay eggs?
They do, and they aren’t the only mammal to do so. Female humans also lay eggs.
17. Would you eat a cake made out of cheese that’s not cheesecake?
If it were made of mozzarella and fried, bet your ass I would! Oh, Gosh. I can taste the heartburn already.
18. Have you ever played golf with something not meant to be a club?
I once used a club sandwich. I got a par none.
19. Excluding Hitler and Bin Laden, who would you travel back in time to kill?
Hitler’s mother. I feel wrong answering this, and now I have to kneel and say 10 Hail Mary’s. Excuse me for a moment.
20. Would you learn to play the accordion to impress a sexy lady?
Of all the instruments that one could play in an effort to catch someone’s eye, you choose to ask me if I’d learn the accordion? I think I’ll pass.
21. What’s your favorite pizza topping that’s not accepted by the general public?
My pizza preference is simple. Pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives. I do like black olives on my burgers, though.
22. If you worked as a soup inventor for Campbell’s, what new flavors would you experiment with?
Peanut butter and Spam Macaroni. Chocolate cake glazed with Sriracha.
23. Have you ever tried to summon a demon to do your bidding?
I don’t fuck with demons. Not even in a sarcastic answer to Budgie’s off the wall questions. I played with a Ouija board once. Uh-uh. Nope. Never again.
24. What historical villain was most misunderstood?
Wile E. Coyote. He wasn’t mean. He was just hungry.
25. Is it okay to tell a dog that some other dog in the room farted if it was you? Explain why or why not.
It is not okay! Imagine how the innocent dog would feel if he or she were accused of pooting when he or she hadn’t. Imagine the ridicule he or she would receive from all the other dogs! A reputation ruined isn’t worth it!
26. What’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten off the ground?
Who knows? As much fast food as I’ve eaten in my day, there’s no telling. Don’ t make that face. I’ve worked at McDonald’s. I know what goes on.
27. What’s the worst fruit to infuse iced tea with? Explain.
Coconut. Coconut is the bane of my existence, and I love Tea. The two together would mortify me.
28. Would you be able to come up with thirty-one questions on the fly?
I would absolutely not. But I’m glad that Budgie was able to.
29. Why is basketball so dumb?
It’s a bunch of people fighting over an over-sized bouncy ball.
30. Ever eat pie on your birthday instead of cake?
I can’t say that I have. In my old age, I just don’t remember. I would eat pumpkin pie on my birthday, though.
31. Were these the dumbest questions you ever had to answer?
These questions were entirely more awesome than I expected, and I got plenty of laughs!
Well then. Now that you’ve found out some super-secretive information about me, this Q & A must come to an end. I’ve answered these questions to the best of my ability.
Hope you enjoyed!!!